How to Scare a Musician

Here is one of my favorite essays, as promised--except the pictures are giving me a hard time right now, so I'll try to fix them later (they should all be in the appendix but are not feeling like it right now). Also, I don't think it likes the internal links very much, so don't try to use them. And so, without further ado:

**Edit: Okay, I've tried to fix the appendix and cross-referencing and it doesn't seem like I'm going to be successful here without putting much more time than I wish to, so I simply removed it all. E-mail me if you want to see the document in its fullest (and quite awesome) form.

How to Scare a Musician

Introduction

Music can be wonderful, but sometimes a musician plays too much for his own good. This is where the best course of action is to scare him into silence with an insane piece of sheet music. You can even make it yourself!

Tools

First, you need at least one piece of blank sheet music, although more than one page is better. You need to choose which instrument to make your sheet music for, most likely the instrument of the musician for whom you are making it. For simplicity's sake, we will assume that it is a vocal-piano score, but yours may be whatever you wish.

The best tool to use to write your sheet music is a quill. Not only are quills cool, but they can be very sloppy—especially if you aren't very adept at using one. You should be sloppy—but not too sloppy that it is impossible for your victim to read it.

Basic Symbols

You will need to label many things at the beginning and change them frequently; this includes the clef, key signature, and time signature. Generally, you will probably use the treble or bass clef, but you will probably want to use others, like the C-clef, or octave clef, as well. Key signatures must include many accidentals (sharps and flats) to intimidate many musicians. The key of C#, which has seven sharps, and the key of Cb, which has seven flats, are ideal keys for your piece. The time signature needs to be irregular (not common time, cut time, 3/4 time, etc.) so that your musical friend will groan at the sight. Keep in mind, however, that your notes need to fit in the measure. Just remember that the top number means how many beats there are in the measure and the bottom number tells what kind of note gets the beat.

Notes are the most essential part of creating sheet music, and you should never hesitate to use as many as you can. The best way to cram more notes into a measure is to make the notes smaller. When you get smaller than quarter notes, the notes have beams between the notes, if there is more than one note (if it is singular, the beams become flags) and when you have more beams on the notes, the notes' values cut in half for each beam. Thus, one flag/beam means eighth notes, two flags/beams mean sixteenth notes, three flags/beams mean thirty-second notes, and so on. Rests are similar in concept, but you should refrain from using them unless they are incredibly tiny.

You will want more than just tiny notes. You can make notes last longer if you place a dot on the side of the note to add half of its original value to the note (two dots means to add ¾ of the original value) or you can tie notes together. Dots and ties will make notes more than just tiny and add much complication to your music.

Sounds

Not that you are trying to make your sheet music playable, but if your musician should try to play it, it should not sound at all pleasant. Chords should always be dissonant and never resolve. Never put a major chord in your piece. It is a nice touch if you have most or all possible notes in a single chord.

You need to use a wide range of pitches, extending to every note you can. You should have the piano score force the pianist to move his hands as far apart as possible and have several notes thrown in the center of the piano at the same time. Make it so that he cannot play the center notes with his nose or feet by making the chords highly elaborate. For the voice, also use a wide range, and here, use microtones so that they must use more than the standard 12 notes that usually dominate music.

Though you generally have small notes, you should have at least one note as a vocal solo that lasts at least 20 long measures; a repeat sign with the indication to repeat the measure however many times you wish will help this. Be sure to note on the score that the singer should take no breath for the entire time. As an added bonus, you can put the note on the low or high end of his vocal range, that is, the place he is the least comfortable.

Words

Vocal sheet music isn't vocal sheet music if there are no words to sing. You have a few options. One is to put the song in a language that your victim does not know. Tongue twisters are another alternative, so that your musician finds it nearly impossible to sing clearly. Nonsensical syllables are yet another choice, so that the singer has to concentrate on every one while taking in all of your other terrifying tricks in your sheet music.

Words in music are not limited to lyrics alone; there are several instructions that will, in excessive quantity and obscurity, scare the musician. There are many musical terms that are little known enough to confuse most musicians, such as martellato, incalzando, marcatissimo, and smorzando. You will also want to use at least a few more common words (i.e. accelerando, crescendo, D. S. al Coda, legato, etc.) to add to the number of terms you use.

Dynamics

Composers use one or more letters to signal a change in dynamics, or volume. The letter p means "piano," or soft, and the more p's there are in succession, the softer the volume becomes. The letter f means "forte," or loud, and similarly to piano, the more there are, the louder the volume becomes. An m before an f or p means that it is medium-loud or medium soft, respectively. You can even have fp, "fortepiano" where the note starts loud, then becomes soft. "Sforzando," or sfz, indicates a sudden strong accent on the note, and similarly, "rinforzando," or rf, tells the musician to reinforce the note. You will want to change your dynamics as frequently as possible in your musical composition.

More Symbols

Symbols are the most important tools for scaring your victim. Wherever you can, place the marks for an accent, slur, glissando, staccato, fermata, signo, tenuto, tremolo, mordent, marcato, staccatissimo, or any other musical symbols you happen to know. Symbols generally come in smaller doses in sheet music, so if you fill your score with musical symbols, your victim will run away in terror.

Final Words

For fun, there are a few more things you can do to make your piece more interesting. You can arrange the notes in shapes, smiley faces, or, if you can manage it, words. You are free to make up directions, such as "fling the notes" or "like a sick whale" to confuse your victim even more. Be creative, and be as contradictory as possible throughout your composition. Remember, less is not more—more is more.