Re: Paperback Writer--Rejection Letter

Paperback Writer
Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
It's based on a novel by a man named Lear
And I need a job, so I want to be a paperback writer.

It's the dirty story of a dirty man
And his clinging wife doesn't understand.
The son is working for the Daily Mail,
It's a steady job but he wants to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

It's a thousand pages, give or take a few,
I'll be writing more in a week or two.
I can make it longer if you like the style,
I can change it round and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

If you really like it you can have the rights,
It could make a million for you overnight.
If you must return it, you can send it here
But I need a break and I want to be a paperback writer,
Paperback writer.

Dear Paperback Writer,

I am not interested in obtaining your manuscript at this time.  I do not normally do this, but I would like to advise you on how to revise your query letter.

First, I prefer to be addressed by name, not by a title that could apply to anyone.  I would be somewhat concerned about taking you on if it takes you years to write anything, but that is not a deal breaker by any means.  I do not know of any novelists named "Lear," so I would recommend that in the future you give the full name of the author and the book you based your own book on.  I should also note that if you need a job, you should have other work until you are published and prove yourself a profitable author--and even then, having a job outside of writing novels is insurance to fall back on.

We do not accept dirty stories here.  The term "dirty" is not a sufficient descriptor, and frankly, the overall plot description does very little to encourage anyone to want to read your book.  I suggest you explain more on the nature of the characters, themes, and/or plot in future submissions.  The son is your best described character and it sounds like he is your author surrogate "Mary Sue" (or "Marty Stu," as the case may be).  Please revise your query and/or plot with this in mind.

A thousand pages is a very long book.  There are not many publishers out there who are willing to accept such a lengthy manuscript--please do not add more to it unless it is necessary.  I suggest you either shorten it to something more marketable (by cutting sections out or even splitting your book into two or more books) or, alternatively, you could establish yourself in the market with other, shorter books; once you have a following, a publisher is more likely to consider riskier projects.

It is highly inadvisable for you to give away all the rights to your book.  First, it makes your profits take a nosedive.  Second, it leads us to believe that you are a chump who has not done research into making queries--and chumps are pitied at best and taken advantage of at worst.  Also, you saying it will make us a million is almost irrelevant because you are undoubtedly biased; mentioning it at all only reinforces the idea of you being a chump. Also, repeating your occupation of choice after every paragraph is unprofessional.

Please review submission guidelines before resubmitting.

Sincerely,
Madam Beatles